Jokes I Found

I’m not 27 anymore

2009-03-14T23:37:00.001-04:00

"Forbid me? I’m familiar to your hands-onapproach to parenting, but I’m not 27 anymore. I can do whatever I want.” - Shaun Spencer ("Psych" TV Show)

God's Support for the Unibrow

2008-01-20T14:09:00.000-05:00

Deuteronomy 14:1
1 Ye are the ^achildren of the LORD your God: ye shall ^bnot ^ccut yourselves, nor make any baldness ^dbetween your eyes for the dead.

God's Time

2007-10-24T13:35:00.000-04:00

A man is praying to God. "Lord," He prays.
"Is it true that to you a million years is but a second?"
"Yes." The Lord says. "That is true."
Then he asked, "Well then, what is a million dollars to you?"
"A million dollars to me", says the Lord, "is but a penny."
"Ah, then Lord," says the man, "may I have a penny?"
"Sure,", says the Lord, "just a second."
-Plato and a Platypus Walk into a Bar: Understanding Philosophy Through Jokes
by Thomas Cathcart and Daniel Klein
as quoted by Tom Magliozzi on Car Talk 10-20-2007

Legacy

2007-10-02T09:13:00.000-04:00

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett

Because people are sleeping

2007-04-03T08:25:00.000-04:00

A Sunday school teacher asked her children as they were on the way to church service, "And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?"
One bright little girl replied,"Because people are sleeping."
- Author unknown

Fire Hydrant Factory

2006-08-02T18:38:00.000-04:00

"I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere
near the place."
-- Steven Wright

The Best Things in Life are Free

2006-07-01T23:46:00.000-04:00

"The best things in life are free. And the cheesiest things in life are
free with a paid subscription to Sports Illustrated."
-- Johnny Carson

Bathroom Scale:

2006-05-22T08:24:00.000-04:00

Bathroom Scale: A piece of equipment which only seems to work
correctly when one holds on to towel rail, stands on
one foot and leans hard to the left.

Author Unknown

I didn't do it!

2006-05-22T08:22:00.000-04:00

Prosecutor: Did you kill the victim?
Defendant: No, I certainly did not!
Prosecutor: Are you aware of the penalties for perjury?
Defendant: Yes, I am and they're a lot better than the
penalty for murder.

Author Unknown

Hot Shot Executive

2006-05-10T06:14:00.000-04:00

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He'd rented
beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there,
he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot
shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend
he had a big deal working. He threw huge figures around and made giant
commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, "Can I help
you?" The man said, "Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Author Unknown